Thank you, Dr. Maya Angelou

Dr. Maya Angelou’s death was meant for me.

For the first time in months, I was so heavy with sadness that I ached. I felt all my life consisted of were failed attempts at happiness. That all the paths I’ve tried to build led nowhere, and I had nothing I could even think of growing into something great. I was stagnant. It was hitting me, and it hurt.

I was told I was talented in art, writing, and cooking… But I was realizing yesterday that it wasn’t going anywhere. It never seemed to be going anywhere, and it frustrated me. After feeling worthless all day yesterday and wondering why God made me to exist in vain, I got a sharp slap this morning.

Maya Angelou is no longer with us. 

And even though I would research her and think about her occasionally, she has shoved her presence into my life at the most needed time.

She died the day after my darkest fall in months.

She did so to tell me to “Wake up, Phenomenal Woman! You live in your truth, and you know it is one that belongs to a Queen such as yourself.”

If I want to speak a second language, I’ve got to study harder. If I want to do something with my writing, then I must write everyday with purpose.

Maya Angelou has spoken to me in an even quieter way than pen flowing over paper— but just as powerful, mind you: she spoke to me in spirit.

Protect Your Heart with Love

Source: Tumblr

Sure, I love. But I never get my hopes up for love to go right for me, and that saves me TONS of heartache. You can love without being IN love.

Don't block a blessed thing by assuming the worst. But if you haven't developed a concrete mutuality for each other, protect your heart. Don't jump into a body of water without getting a feel for how deep it is first.

Wouldn't want to drown, would you? I'd assume you wouldn't want to become bitter and spiteful when the beginning of interest in someone never ever seems goes right, either.

Try to let your head lead your heart until there is a reason to let your vulnerability fall into place.

Love-- always keep your heart open and giving. But be smart about who you hand it to and how soon.

Home is an Emotion

I use the word “home” delicately.

I’ve compared enough to know that a home isn’t just where your clothes and food are stored. It’s where your heart smiles the most. So much so that it escapes the lips, forming an infectious smile there as well.

People don’t smile in prisons.

And although I am grateful for having a struggled space that consists of a roof over my head, I am not happy.

Being crowded, hearing repetitious complaints, coughs, and sniffles from sunken souls.

So contagious that I can feel every ounce of passion for anything leave me. I no longer take care of myself because my space and energy tell me “what’s the point?”

I can feel heavy sadness press into my chest each day until my whole body aches. Until I’m reduced to tears, because emptying the negative weight from my spirit is the only thing I feel I have control over anymore.

A place where I’m more and more tempted to leave my first hole in the wall, and am consistently fuming when I’m not alone is not a home.

This is not a home.

It’s a shelter I’m grateful for, but a shelter with bad energy is rejected with every fiber of my being. It is not placed as a home in my heart.

New Fieldroast Apple Maple Breakfast Sausages

One of my rare trips to Whole Foods led me to these gems, and I've been munching on them ever since!

The name Field Roast already is credibility enough, but tasting these gave them a huge boost in my trust department. To me they have a eerily similar texture to actual sausage, and what I love most about searing these in a pan with a little olive oil is how all those seasonings (especially the sweetness of the maple syrup) work together to create an enjoyable, vegan experience.

It really doesn't have that "artificial meat" taste, of course a plus.

My two favorite ways to enjoy them are with a seasoned, fried egg or next to a pile of sautéed rainbow swiss chard. Swiss chard reminds me of a better-tasting spinach, though my mom says they're a bit bitter (I wouldn't say kale-bitter, but I dunno... It's an appetizing bitter, then). The recipe for how I prepare rainbow swiss chard can be found here.

Just note:

• Wash the swiss chard THOROUGHLY! Don't want to be bitting down on bugs, sand, and grit.
• I didn't personally use the pepper flakes.
• When cooking the stems, throw them in as soon as the garlic is ready and fragrant. Let them have time to soften because they do take longer to cook than the leaves.

I've been eating them in pairs for quite some time and I still have a few left. Around $4 for a pack of twelve, extremely tasty, meat-free sausages that are packed with protein, vitamins and minerals is A-OK in my book.

My Dating Habits Are Unapologetic

I'm not going to say "all guys suck and all the good ones are nonexistent!" Because that's a lie. There are good guys-- I've seen them. The good ones that have been brave enough to approach me just have never been ones I've LIKED liked (and I'm very, very sorry to my friends because I love you guys, just not in that way. Thank you for being respectful). And no matter how much you twist someone's arm, you can't make someone fall for a person. 

It may be frustrating for you guys out there, it may be irritating to some girls who believe I had choices at least-- and gentlemen at that! But believe be when I say it feeds my self-loathing when I find someone great but simply CANNOT see them as more than a friend. That if their hand cupped mine, or they leaned against me lovingly I'd get frigid, because I JUST DON'T FEEL THE SAME WAY.

I refuse to have the label "bitch" attached to my name though, just because I HONESTLY CAN'T fall for ALL the nice guys.

I only fall for the ones who don't notice me, or like me like I like them... Of course.

You know, this maddening cycle of dating (or lack thereof) continues no matter what type of single girl you are.

What REAL Journaling Has Taught Me

Looking through the blog of one of my inspirations (Alex Elle, as mentioned in a past post), I ran across this journal-writer and creator who blogs under the name: vagabroadjournals. 

This was the very first post I read of her's, and reading it opened my eyes to what journaling really is all about. This post, and many others answers Q&As as to why people give excuses for not keeping a journal. She teaches the reason why EVERYONE has something to write about, and a reason to document their lives. Her writings have made my mentality do a 360.

Source: vagabroadjournals

I'm now on page 28 of her blog, and page 10 of my own journal I've only started two days ago. That's mind-blowing for me, because I am one of those people who has dozens of unfinished journals and notebooks. Many of them with majority of the pages ripped out because I felt what I wrote was "flawed" or not "perfect" enough.

Penmanship was too sloppy, wasn't aligned right, I didn't sound deep, I had nothing to write about and was just wasting time and ink... Those types of thoughts ran through my mind every time I tried journaling. I felt defeated before I finished the first word of every entry.

Source: vagabroadjournals

But not only were her persuasive words able to let me accept myself by letting go of the little things, but I've also started to think outside the box. Something I've always had trouble doing.

I always stay inside the lines. Always follow exactly and can't think of any variation to what I'm told. But seeing her doodles and cover work made me illustrate as I journaled for the first time ever in my 22 years of life. I've drawn several doodles since then and each time I draw, write outside the lines, scratch out words, and change pen colors, I feel soooo good. It feels so good to find something I'm able to be so free-spirtied with!

She was able to push more out of me than a Wreck This Journal has ever been able to. And I became quite disappointed in how hard it was for me to feel what everyone else was raving about, when destroying their journals. Now I feel it though. And it's a beautiful feeling-- probably what helped me write ten pages in two days.

Source: vagabroadjournals

One last thing I loved reading from her was how she recognized how much social media has engulfed us. She makes it clear that she's human too, and has to stay aware of what she's doing in order to rewire herself into not taking pictures of everything and sharing her whereabouts every time she leaves her doorstep.

We post every little thing about our lives but never make time for ourselves. Not everything is worth sharing, and sometimes it's good to step back and away from social media to get to know yourself. 

It all-of-a-sudden made sense why blogging was rough for me. All these post felt forced and once I published them, I still felt off and unsatisfied. I've realized it's because I wasn't posting for me. I was doing tags and what other bloggers do and in a rush. I never enjoyed the content I wrote. There was no passion behind a lot of the posts I did. And now it has clicked. It all clicked thanks to this woman.

I'd highly recommend checking her out. Maybe you'll grow, too.